


Decisions, Friendship And Unwanted Truths

by Kylia (saphicwitch)



Series: New Traditions [7]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/F, M/M, Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-16
Updated: 2012-08-16
Packaged: 2017-11-21 05:53:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/594197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saphicwitch/pseuds/Kylia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xaner has to make some decisions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Decisions, Friendship And Unwanted Truths

My life is a mess. A real disaster and its one of my own making. I have no one to blame but myself for this… insanity.

 

Last month I made a couple of poor decisions. The first was in telling Buffy the truth, telling her that Willow wasn't returning to Sunnydale, which led to Buffy finding out about Willow's relationship with Faith.

 

Now, Buffy is furious with me for not telling her sooner, or telling her at all. She won't speak to me, unless it's absolutely necessary.

 

The sad part is that there was a time, when I would have been calling her, going to her house, begging her to accept my apology, begging her to see my side of things, but not anymore. Now I just can't bring myself to care.

 

After hearing her talk to Angel about me, I just can't bring myself to worry about what she thinks. I can't forget what she said, and no doubt didn't say, and I can't forgive her for it either.

 

Which brings me to my second problem. Angel. He wants me to leave Sunnydale, to move to Los Angeles, to move in with *him*. And a part of me wants to, it really does.

 

I don't have a whole lot keeping me here. I've pretty much stopped helping with the slaying. Buffy doesn't really want me around anymore, and they don't really need me. Still, if I agree to leave Sunnydale, if I take Angel up on his offer, what exactly am I committing to?

 

There will be no going back from that. Do I even *want* to go back? And what will happen when Buffy and Giles find out? Will they be angry? Feel betrayed, hurt? I just don't know, and I'm not sure if I'm really ready to deal with that.

 

But I'm going to have to. Soon.

 

Willow and Faith are coming tonight. Willow decided it was time she came back. She needs to talk to Buffy. Explain things to her.

 

I am kind of surprised that she's bringing Faith with her though. That seems like a disaster waiting to happen, but Willow doesn't want to hide their relationship. She says they're too old too be keeping secrets, and hiding in closets.

 

I wonder why is it she can be so brave and I cannot?

Is there really something so different about her relationship with Faith? Does she love Faith more than I love Angel? I don't think so.

 

Maybe she's right. Maybe it is time for the truth.

 

*~*~*~* 

 

"So… are you going to tell her?"

 

I look up from my place on the couch to face Riley. He came over an hour ago and we've just been catching up. We have an odd sort of friendship. He had a lot of problems dealing with the whole 'Slayer' thing for a long time. I think part of that was due to the fact that no one ever really explained things to him, except when we we're in the middle of some apocalypse thing.

 

That and I can sort of relate to him. He was a regular Joe before the Initiative, and even afterwards, he was a lot more 'normal' than the rest of the Scoobies. He had to deal with discovering everything he believed in was a lie, and then deal with the reality that existed in Sunnydale.

 

He had to come to terms with Buffy's past, and her probable future.

 

I think it's partly his doing that got me to realize that I hadn't been fair to Angel. Even before our impromptu Christmas, I had begun to realize that I hadn't been honest, with myself or anyone else.

 

Even before I got to know the Brooding One, I had this weird *need* to defend Angel to Riley. Maybe defend isn't the right word. I wasn't really on the Angel bandwagon. I still didn't really *like* Angel, but I didn't hate him either. I didn't have very many feelings about him one way or the other, to be honest.

 

I had realized, at least partially how one sided my feelings had been. It was weird. Two guys, angry at a vampire we really didn't know, for imagined crimes. Actually it was kind of funny considering all the real crimes we could have hated him for, but didn't. It was the things we projected onto him that caused most of our feelings.

 

I think seeing my own mistakes in Riley made me realize them sooner.

 

So we became friends, sort of. I'm not really sure why I told him about Angel, and not Buffy or Giles. Well, maybe that's not true. I couldn't tell Buffy. She still has so many issues around Angel. She loves Riley, I think, but Angel, or her memory of who she thought he was, still takes up a large part of her heart. I don't think she'd take it very well to learn of *anyone* becoming something special to Angel, much less me. If that's even what I am. Something special, seems sort of generic.

 

Giles has his own issues with Angel. His memories of Angelus and the torture he received at Angelus' hands. I don't think they would ever understand what has happened between Angel and I. I'm not even sure I understand it myself. Although to be honest, I think Giles would understand it on some level, and I would hope he'd accept it.

 

"Well?" Riley asked drawing my attention back to him.

 

"What?" I turned to face him. "I don't know, I was hoping to avoid the subject."

 

Riley raised an eyebrow at me before returning to twirling his football around. "That doesn't seem very likely. It's worked okay so far, but you can't expect her not to have any questions when you move to L.A." He stopped and then turned to look at me again. "You are going to L.A. aren't you?"

 

I hesitated for a second and thought that maybe if I didn't answer he'd forget the question. But even as I thought it, I knew it wasn't very likely.

 

"Xander."  Riley's tone was exasperated but slightly amused.

 

I shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe I will." I told him honestly.

 

"Why wouldn't you?" He asked me as he turned to face me. "There's nothing to keep you here."

 

"Oh thanks." I said dryly.

 

Riley rolled his eyes for a second. "Seriously. Willow is in L.A. Spike's gone wherever it is impotent vampires go. Giles is talking about returning to England. You're… Angel is there. What else is there?"

 

"What about Buffy and you? You'll be stuck here, alone, with the Buffster." I grin slightly at that thought. "Isn't that what you want, her undivided attention?"

 

Riley snorted. "Whatever." He shook his head slightly and then sighed. "Actually, I'm leaving too."

 

I raised my eyebrows in question. "You are? Where to?"

 

Riley shrugged. "Don't know exactly. I decided to take Graham up on his offer. He was right, I don't belong here, with her."

 

I nodded my understanding. "Be all you can be?"

 

"That's the army. We're 'the Few the Proud…' and actually that’s not even our motto."

 

I grinned at him. I wasn't really surprised. Truthfully I knew that would happen sooner or later.

 

It takes a special kind of person to deal with everything that Buffy entails, and no matter how much my friend loves her, in the end, he isn't ready to make that kind of sacrifice. Why should he have to?

 

"Have you told her?" I asked him curiously.

 

Riley nodded to me and turned his attention back to his football. "Yeah."

 

"How'd she take it?"

 

"Not well." Riley stood up and headed towards my front door. "I'm leaving next week. Come by before you leave."

 

"Yeah sure." I told him absently as he left my apartment.

 

Wasn't that just my luck? Now I can't leave Sunnydale. I can't leave Buffy all alone. It wouldn't be fair. However, despite my reluctance to take the plunge and move to Los Angeles, I realize I can't really stay here either.

 

Riley was right. There's nothing for me here. Almost everyone has left Sunnydale already, and those who haven't are about to. Buffy is still here, but we've grown apart in the past several months. I know I could make the effort to fix things with her, but why should I be the only one to do that? Shouldn't she want to fix things too?

 

Before my subconscious can even answer my inner questions, there's a knock on my door. I knew who was on the other side, and I knew my time for stalling was up.

 

"Buffy." I said quietly as she launched herself into my apartment.

 

"He's leaving." Buffy told me, moving past me and into my living room. She plopped herself down in the same spot Riley had been sitting in.

 

"I know."

 

Buffy looked up at me, smiling sadly. "But you're still here. My Xander shaped friend."

 

I smiled slightly at the words, remembering the first time she had to refereed to my like that. It was so long ago, when everything was new, and Angel was just a name, and I had a crush on someone I didn't really know. So much had happened since that time, and I suddenly realized I couldn't lie to her.

 

"Actually, Buffy." I started as I sat down next to her. "I won't… be here. I'm leaving too."

 

*~*~*~*

 

The moment I entered Xander's apartment, I knew something was wrong. The tension in the room was palpable. The air was thick and cloying and the look on Buffy's face told me everything I needed to know.

 

I turned to look at Xander and he had this resigned look in his eyes, kind of sad, but relieved too. He stood up and met me in the area between the kitchen and the living room.

 

"Where's…" Xander asked looking behind me.

 

"Downstairs." I told him, knowing who he was referring to. He nodded and moved towards the door, leaving me alone in the apartment with Buffy.

 

I walked into the living room and sat down across from her. "Buffy." I began. "It's... good to see you."

 

Buffy's eyes trailed up and settled on my face. It took her a few seconds before she seemed to realize who was talking to her.

 

"Willow!" Her face brightened for a second before looking around. "Where's Xander?"

 

I took a deep breath. "He went downstairs. I brought someone with me."

 

Buffy seemed confused for a second then her eyes widened. "Faith? You brought *Faith* here? Wills, tell me you didn't?"

 

"I'm sorry, Buffy. She wanted to come… she wants to talk to you."

 

Buffy shook her head angrily. "No! I can't deal with this. First you leave, and then Riley, and then I find out Xander's leaving as well. Why is everyone leaving me?"

 

Her voice sounded so lost that I really wanted to take her in my arms and comfort her, but I knew that no matter what I said, she would still feel abandoned. Still, I had to try.

 

"Buffy, I'm sorry, really I am. We're aren't leaving you, we're just… leaving. I can't come back. It's just too much. Things have been bad here for awhile, even before the thing with Tara." I stopped and took another deep breath. "I've found something there, in Los Angeles, something I never had here, not for a long time."

 

"With *her*." Buffy spit the pronoun out as if it was venom in her mouth.

 

"No, Buffy, even without Faith, I would still be staying in L.A. I'm needed there. I belong there."

 

Buffy looked up and her watery eyes locked on to my own. "Are you happy?" She asked me quietly.

 

"Yes." I whispered. She smiled slightly and I took advantage of the small moment. "So is Xander. Angel makes him happy. They make each other happy."

 

The smile left Buffy's face and I realized, albeit too late that although Xander obviously told her he was leaving, he didn't tell her why. A part of me felt bad that I was the one to break the news, but only a small part. I realized that my prolonging the truth with my own decisions had only made things worse. If Xander waited, the truth would never come, and Buffy would find out when she was ill prepared, and things could go very badly.

 

"I'm sorry." I told her sincerely. "You didn't know."

 

Buffy shook her head furiously. "No! Xander is not… with Angel. That is just not possible!" She stood up and began moving jerkily through the apartment, pacing in some unorganized fashion, her shock and pain radiating from her like a living thing.

 

"Oh, Buffy." I wanted to comfort her, but I realized that I no longer had that privilege. It was no longer my right. So I leaned back into the couch, and closed my eyes, hoping that one day, she would understand.

 

*~*~*~*

 

"This is… weird." Faith spoke quietly as she looked around the parking lot of my apartment.

 

I nodded, not sure what else to say. She was right, it was sort of weird. The last time Faith had been in Sunnydale, she had stolen Buffy's body. It had been stressful for all involved. And now, she was back, this time to apologize, and say goodbye, in the non-lethal sense.

 

Weird was only the tip of the iceberg.

 

"Did you tell her?" Faith asked when we were halfway up the stairs. "About Angel?"

 

I snort. "Yeah, I told her I'm boinking her soulmate."

 

Faith laughed for a second before sobering. "But you're not."

 

I stopped and looked at her. "How do you know?" I ask incredulously. Its true of course, but I thought my private life was still sort of private.

 

Faith grinned. "About the boinking? I don't."

 

"But…" I was confused.

 

"I meant about the soulmate part. He's not. Never was."

 

I nod. "Ah, well that's one theory."

 

Faith stopped just before we reached the top step, and grabbed onto my shoulder. "It's true, Xander."

 

I locked eyes with her for uncounted minutes, wanting to believe her, but I wasn't sure I could.

 

I was no longer wary of her so much as I was wary of what she was saying.

 

"I don't know, Faith. They had something…"

 

"They had something that never should have been."

 

I shook my head and pulled away from her and started to walk down the hall.

 

"Xan."

 

I stopped and turned around. "Yeah."

 

"He loves you."

 

"Maybe." I acknowledged.

 

"No, he does." The vehemence in her words made me stop and stare at her for a second.

 

"You didn't see him, hear him, after he saw you, or talked to you, all these months." She stopped for a second and then walked closer, her voice softer. "He would come to see me every week. We'd talk about stuff, general stuff, demons of the week, what life was like for me inside, but Xan, it always, *always* came down to you. When he'd seen you last, when you'd talked last… when you'd see each other again."

 

She stopped speaking and I wasn't sure what to say. I knew that what she had said was true, but I couldn't even begin to think of something to say in response. I could barely even fathom that what she said, was said about *me*.

 

Before I could even think of a response, a loud crash sounded through the hall, and instinctively I knew it was coming from my apartment.

 

"Shit!" Faith summed up my reaction succinctly.

 

I followed her down the hall and into my apartment.

 

My living room looked as if some cosmic disaster had hit it. Furniture was overturned, and various other belongs were now making their home on the floor.

Willow was standing in my living room, leaning up against the wall, almost as if she was hoping to blend into the scenery.

 

"Red? You okay?"

 

I heard Faith ask the question as she moved towards my best friend. I was expecting Buffy to attack her, or start screaming or something, but that didn't happen. Buffy's watery eyes locked on to mine.

 

"How could you?" Her voice was hoarse and I could see the pain reflected in her face.

 

I knew exactly what she was talking about. I wanted to act dumb, to play it off like I didn't know what she was talking about, or that she was wrong, or mistaken, or anything that would get that look of pain off her face, but I couldn't. I couldn't stand there, in my living room, and *lie* to her, deny my relationship with Angel, deny *him*.

 

"I'm sorry." I told her quietly, taking a small tentative step forward.

 

"You're sorry?" She asked me incredulously. "You… and *Angel*?" She shook her head as if trying to dislodge the reality of the statement. "When? How? Why?" Her voice cracked more with each question.

 

I took a deep breath and decided that her questions deserved some answers. "When? I'm not sure. Christmas, New Years… Valentines, some time when I wasn't looking. How? I can't answer that, Buffy. It happened. It just… happened." I paused for a second before continuing. "Why? I'm not sure what you want to know. Why we got together? Why I fell in love with him? Why he…" I paused and looked over at Faith. She smiled slightly, and I turned to face Buffy again, "…fell in love with me? I can't answer those questions. I can only tell you its true."

 

"No." Buffy shook her head in denial. "I can't believe that. I won't. He's not… you're not…" She shook her head again and pushed past me and ran out the door.

 

I stared after her for a second, feeling very tired all of a sudden. I was completely saddened by this latest encounter, but also relieved. I knew that no matter how or when it happened; Buffy would be upset, regardless of what was going on her own life. But this time, with Riley leaving and Faith's appearance, and everything else, it was just bad.

 

I sighed and looked back at the two women still in my apartment. "Have a seat, if you can find one." I told them with a tired grin, surveying the damage done by my former friend.

 

Buffy had knocked over the coffee table, the glass encased in the top had been shattered, and my entertainment center was in considerably worse shape than when I left. The T.V. didn't appear as if it would be working again any time soon. My CD's were strewn all over the floor, several of the cases cracked. The stereo was sitting on the floor, although it didn't look too worse for wear. The speakers were knocked over, but apparently unharmed. My couch was still standing on its legs, although shoved over to one side, but my chair was tipped onto its side.

 

I shook my head sadly at the mess and moved towards the bedroom. I needed to sit down, and make a couple of phone calls, and as much as I would love to put them off, at least one of them couldn't wait.

 

*~*~*~* 

 

The phone rang three times before I heard the welcome sound of Giles' voice.

 

"Hey, G-man." I began hoping to sound less frantic than I felt.

 

"Xander? Is something wrong?"

 

I guess it didn't work.

 

"Yeah, Giles, it kind of is." I told him sighing.

 

"What's wrong? Is it vampires? Demons?" Giles asked.

 

"No, no, nothing like that." I sighed again and decided that I better just spit it out. I didn't know if Buffy would go to see him right away or not, but I figured I should be honest.

"Um… It’s Buffy. She was here, and well she left, and she was sort of upset."

 

There was silence for a second before Giles spoke. "Is this about Riley? She told me he was leaving, going back to the military."

 

"No, not really, although I'm sure that didn't help." I paused a second before plunging forward. "I'm leaving… with Willow. When she goes back to L.A., I'm going with her."

 

"I see." Giles voice indicated he clearly didn't.

 

"There's more." I told him. "I'm… Angel and I are…" I hesitated not really sure what to call us. "We're…"

 

There was silence while I tried to figure out what to say.

 

"I see." Giles repeated his earlier statement, although this time I could hear the difference in his voice, he did understand.

 

"And Buffy… she knows. She was… upset. Willow and Faith are here, and…" I paused again. "I think maybe we should just go, leave, let Buffy deal with this, on her own."

 

There was a pause. "Faith was there?"

 

I sighed again. "Yeah, but not at first. I think Buffy was so wigged about the me-and-Angel thing she didn't even pay much attention to Faith." I take another deep breath. "Giles, it was bad. My living room… my furniture… it was just bad."

 

"I understand, Xander." Giles voice was soft. "Xander… are you happy?"

 

I smiled into the line. "Yeah, G-man, I am. Thank you."

 

"Keep in touch." The words were spoken softly before a heard the click of the phone being disconnected.

 

I sat looking at the phone in my hand. After several interminable seconds I clicked the phone off and then on again. At the dial tone I dialed a number I knew better than my own.

 

"Xander?"

 

I smiled into the line. "Are you psychic now?"

 

I felt so much better just hearing his voice. Despite the nightmare of this evening, I knew that things would be okay.

 

"Hi." I spoke wearily into the line.

 

"What's wrong?" Angel's concern reverberated through telephone and warmed me.

 

"I… it's Buffy. She didn't take it well…at all. There were some casualties."

 

"Casualties?" Angel asked tensely.

 

"Yeah. My coffee table, my TV… I think my stereo is just wounded though."

 

"She trashed your apartment?"

 

"Just the living room." I tried to look on the bright side. "Look, I think it would be best if we just came home."

 

"Home?" Angel asked and I could swear there was a smile in his voice.

 

"Yeah, home." I smiled to myself even though no one could see it. "I need to make a phone call, and then pack some stuff. We should be back in a few hours. Will you be there?"

 

"Yes." Angel paused for a second before continuing. "I miss you."

 

"Me too." I took a deep breath. "Angel… I… I love you."

 

Time seemed to freeze for a second as I waited for a response. I heard a breath exhaled into the line, which was kind of funny since he doesn't breath, and then his voice, soft and full of emotion.

 

"I love you too, Xander. Come home."

 

"I will." I hung up the phone because I knew that if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to. We'd just sit there, talking softly to one another, and why do that when I could be *with* him in a few hours.

 

I walked out into the living room and looked around. Faith and Willow had tried to bring order to the chaos. Faith had stacked all my CD's on the kitchen counter and was dumping them into a box that had been sitting on the floor.

 

"Thanks." I told them with a smile.

 

"Your TV is pretty much shot, and the coffee table has seen better days." Faith chuckled. "B sure does know how to make a mess."

 

"She had reason." I told her sadly. "We're leaving anyway, unless you have something else you wanted to do in good old Sunnyhell?"

 

"Oh no… I think you pretty much beat anything *I* had to say." Faith grinned.

 

"Yeah we should probably wait until Buffy cools off to talk to her again." Willow agreed.

 

"Okay, I'm gonna make a phone call, and then pack a few bags and I'll be ready."

 

I turned and walked back into my bedroom. Now that I had made this decision, I just wanted to get on with it. Once I reached my room, I picked up the phone and dialed another number as I pulled out a couple of duffel bags and began packing.

 

"Yo, Finn, you there." I called into the line when my friend's machine picked up.

 

"Hey. I just got in." Riley's voice sounded through the line as he picked it up. "What's up?"

 

"I'm leaving, tonight, and I need a favor."

 

"Tonight? I take it you told Buffy?"

 

I laughed although I admit it was sort of forced. "Yeah, you could say so." I sighed. "Anyway, we're leaving tonight. I was wondering if you could return the keys to the landlord? I'll drop them off?"

 

Riley chuckled. "Oh, is that all?" He paused a second before coming more serious. "You sure about this? What if it doesn't work out?"

 

"Don't worry, I'll be fine."

 

"Fair enough." Riley told me. "I'll come by tomorrow with some boxes and pack everything else up and send it to you, unless you want to come back for it?"

 

"No, no, I think I'll want to stay far away from Sunnyhell for a long, long time." I finished putting my clothes into the two duffels and moved over to the nightstands. "Thanks, Ri."

 

"No sweat. Take it easy."

 

"You too."

 

I hung up the phone and devoted all my attention to packing up the important stuff. Before too long, I had everything I really needed and followed the girls out of my apartment. I locked the door and left the building, knowing that what I was doing was the right thing, for me.

 

I dropped my keys off at Riley's on the way out of town, and left Sunnydale wondering when I would feel comfortable coming back here again, wondering when Buffy would feel comfortable having me back.

 

And wondering, if it really mattered.

 

*~*~*~* 


End file.
